a wayward dream

no mother ever dreamed her daughter would grow up to be a junkie
no mother ever dreamed her daughter would grow up to sleep alone

i used to pray a God was listening
i used to make my parents proud




i used to know the name of every person i kissed
no i made this bed and i cant call asleep in it

ring
ring
ring
ring
"your call has been forwarded to the voicemail box off 3056521"

I love you so much that it hurts my head
But I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in


im on my own tonite



hey. do me a favor baby
i want you to know i love you so much, but dont reply.
i know how to dish it out but i cant always take it

jesus christ as a pretty face
we've all got wooden nails
this is just a memoryyyy



its not exact but i love that song and i cant get it out my head! its 4:20am and i cant sleep.is anyone up?

obsessive complusive
disorder?
ocd.

why is it so abnormal to HAVE to do things a certain way?
get over it.

i can sleep better tonite knowing you are gone for good
all the remnants of you and the life we had

i will wake up in the morning with a smile on my face
and breath a sigh of relief

you wont be there when i look around my room
i wont be tempted to go through old photographs

from now until the end
you will remain just a fragment in the back of my mind

you taught me a valuable lesson
and i will never make that mistake again


dont live in repeats

i took all of his old stuff and our old stuff & packed it in a box.
put it in the car and drove to the beach.
there wasnt any pits available though.
so i smoked a bowl.
& thought
& thought
& thought
i already feel better.
i had been holding on for way to long.
thinking that if i let go i would forget about him.
but how could i?
he was such a huge part of my life that i never could.i wouldnt be able to.
having all this stuff around for all this time, 3 years
i wasnt allowing myself to be free. to let go of the fear.
but i can finally breathe now. im ok.




i let go of alot of things today.
i had mounds of stuffed animals shoved away in mycloset. i put them all in bags and im going to give them to someone who needs then more and will appreciate them more than i will ever again.
i am an adult. childhood is over. so why hang on to it?

i did some major cleaning today
i took everything out of my entire closet.
threw away bags of junk and put away bags of other crap for a garage sale.i feel so productive. but im tired. and keep getting side tracked now that im almost done.

tonite it will all burn
see the ashes fly high into the sky
the last memories of you.
gone.
i finally feel free.

there was only one picture.
i took it off the wall and ripped it into tiny pieces.
then i deleted your phone number.

i feel alittle but more optimisitc today
there is still a ton on my plate
but today...
today its okay

my spirits are high
my mind is high









jesus loves me
this is know

i know im not the best friend
but im not perfect.
and neither are you
everyone makes mistakes
and ive made mine
i apologized.

how someone can be in your life for 15 years
then one day
*poof*
their gone!

isnt weird
after everything youve gone through
it just gets thrown away
and nothing matters anymore?

isnt it funny
how you see them now
and their nothing what you thought?
or ever imagined they were?

isnt it amazing
how people change so quickly
and you never even see it coming?

isnt it touching
how even though its been almost 2 years
since the last contact
you both still have pictures of your lives up
floating around your room
or in one of your "albums" on myspace?

neither want to let go
but neither will take a step forward
and reconnect

its a beautiful sunday morning.




ive got my starbucks.




&& im headed off to church with jon jon. =]

today went on forever! but i got off work earlier than expected and i actually got to see deanna. after teh past few nights saying were going to kick it we did and ive missed it. she moved back home after the break up and it was really weird going back to her parents house. i havent been there in like 3 years almost. steven was there so i got to see him to. we just hung out upstairs like old times. except this time we got to drink beer. haha her mom is so cute. "girls only 2 each tonite!" oh mrs. lynn!!

then i went to froneys and hung out with him and fred for a bit. their graduating tomorrow. its so exciting! im leaving work to go see them walk but then i have to go back for a few more hours. its all good. atleast i get to see them.



p.s. everyone needs to pick up the new used CD its AMAZING!!!
g'night ♥

ive had a good wknd of partying.
bbq at the lighthouse turned more into a kickback with noo bbq.
we totally forgot to bring it.
jonjon and i got stranded but we had fun.
bonfire with all the crew.
i love them i do.
made a mistake and i was mad at myself the whole time for it.
i refuse to be a statistic.
i had lunch with froney and fred
cronic tacos. mmmmm
then me and my seester sa knocked up
it was super funny i recommend everyone go see it
and a mad dash to chain reaction to see brown and blue.
we made it in time for their last 2 songs.
phew.

tomorrow its off to universal city walk to see goodbye elliot.
ive missed them
and im glad their back in town.

mario is detailing my car also.
better look good.

tomorrow should be a good day <3

g'night

im pretty much over everything.
i want a change and i want it now.

im so eager and antsy to get my chair at the salon. i so badly jsut want to start on my own already. being an assistant gets really old really fast and this past year has been enough. time to move on.

i think what will help will really be getting out of my house. im neverhome and i think its mostly because i really just dont want to be here anymore. im sick of coming home to the same house after 14 years and sleeping in teh same room witht eh same decor. i want a new surrounding, iw ant to start fresh in a new place. something unfamilar and new. that might jsut be good for me.

possibility: staying in tonite

my friends mom died today
breast cancer.
i havent known him to long, but enough to know i love the kid.
he found out tuesday that she had about a week.
its been 2 days.
i cried. i didnt think i would. but it hit my heart. he was on my mind all day. then i got the notice.
hes been so strong about this whole thing. laughing and joking and keeping a smile on his face.
&ilovehimforit

cancer has taken one to many people. why is the one incurable thing? with all the technology we have now a days you think their would be something.
i dont get it i dont understand it
fuck cancer

i realize how mcuh i take for granted day after day and how selfish i really can be. i always just know that when i get home she'll be here. and its really weird that my biggest fear is her dying and never being here again. not getting to see her smiling face in the morning when she brings me my chocolate milk (like she has for the past 17 yrs since i was 4)or even hearing her yell at me when i get pink hair dye on the floor. shes the most amazing person in the world and i forget that. i couldnt live without her.

i thnk its time to take a step back and look at the things i have and the people who love me and appreciate it all. i am lucky. and i know that.

june ist.
tahts the day i was told to be out by. i dont know if its serious. but i can leave i have no problem with it.
i can support myself, i have for so long already.

the fact that out of the blue both my parents are saying we dont get along is completely confusing. i dont know where its coming from. honestly its breakin my heart and i cant stop crying like a 2 yr old about it.

i admit taht when i was in highschool i was a horrible child and made their live miserable day after day. but that time in my life has passed and i have grown up. we havent fought in years. i never even see my father enough to have time to fight with him. and the little time i do spend with him i want to do anything but fight.

the worst part was he said he could care less what happen to me after i was out of his house.

thanks daddy i love you too

tell me whats on your mind
please let me your what your thinking
my ears are open
and my heart is listening










i couldnt get my license back yesterday. court fucked up. i go talk to a judge on monday. eeerrrggg.